So I’m not a lesbian
If your reaction is “not surprising” know that I’m pouting.
Being a lesbian
Immediately after I came out about my gender I thought I was a lesbian, I was a girl (or close to it anyway) and I always liked girls so easy right I’m a lesbian?
So I lived peacefully my life as a lesbian, I rationalised that fem enbies counted as being a lesbian, the label is just that a label right? There’s no rules.
Then six months after I came out I started looking at boys. Maybe I finally felt comfortable enough in my feminity to look at them as being mysterious.
This too I rationalised as me just wanting to feel feminine and liking boys is a thing most girls so I felt nothing of it.
The bi-cycle
As a moment after my transition I thought I was bi or pan because I started looking at boys with more intensity.
This too, later I rationalised as being comp-het or being the hormones acting up.
Let me tell you I had calls with my best friend who weren’t very lesbian of me.
There’s even a moment in my life, very brief thankfully, where I thought I was straight (homoromantic-heterosexual to be more exact which is an interesting mix).
Well finally what are you
Well, to be honest I spent a lot of time wondering what I was, I rationalised everything as being hormonal or just me wanting to feel feminine and hid myself under the guise of lesbianism to be safe.
Even if it didn’t help me at some times in my life.
My preferences change every 6 months to a year, and I finally accepted that. I also think of girls and guys differently (enbies kind of go everywhere).
With girls I enjoy the sense of longing and quietly loving someone, cuddling, waking up with a girl in my bed smiling at me, these sappy as fuck things because I’m a very sappy person. It’s a very.. well it’s a very poetic stance on loving girls but I like it. At this point in time this never happened, I fell in love once, but it went nowhere.
With guys my thoughts leave the realm of poems quite fast. Which isn’t very ace of me and opened another question - which I did not answer yet.
Everything is very fluid, but I finally accepted that yes, I’m into guys. And I’m also into girls. And I’m also into non binary people.
I don’t think I’m pan, I have a preference on the gender depending on the time of the year. So call me Omni if you want, I settled on demi-biromantic and demisexual. Why demiromantic? Because as much as I’d like to date someone, time and dates taught me I cannot fall in love without a strong platonic relationship being there.
I fell in love once, it wasn’t reciprocal, but bless their heart that was the most adorable rejection of all time. I think they stayed texting with me for one or two hours, and they and I are close friends to this day, I am over it.
I’m looking forward to the future, a future where I accept myself more.
Afterwords
It seemed I wasn’t really… subtle at liking guys. About every friend I came out to were not surprised.
I’m not delusional, I know no one reads this blog, and I’m okay with that, it’s my way of crying into the void. My way of expressing myself with words when everything else fails.
But if in the future when I’m famous you happen to read this blog, well I hope I’m doing well in the future. I hope I have a good girlfriend, voidfriend, or boyfriend (or multiple of them). Maybe I’ll even have a husband, a wife or a spouse. I’ll still work my dream job and teach on the side and I’ll be in my lovely apartment, which is mine.
Btw, my micro-blogging is available on the fediverse @vanilla_extract@woof.tech
Thanks for (not) reading,
Cheers,
Charlotte Thomas.